


Can I Understand You?

by minferd



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots, joshler - Fandom
Genre: Caring Josh Dun, Character Death, Depressed Tyler Joseph, Depression, Gay Tyler Joseph, Hospitalization, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Josh Dun/Tyler Joseph Smut, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, References to Depression, Rehabilitation, Sad Tyler Joseph, Suicidal Tyler Joseph, Suicide Attempt, THIS IS AWFUL IM SORRY, Top Josh, Why Did I Write This?, i can’t write for shit, major character death btw, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-28
Updated: 2017-11-28
Packaged: 2019-02-07 22:00:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12850371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minferd/pseuds/minferd
Summary: The only time he wasn’t afraid, he ended up living. But maybe that wasn’t so bad after all.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING**
> 
> A lotta suicidal thoughts and sadness. 
> 
> Stay safe <3

Tyler has practiced holding the cold metal of the gun right to his temples many times before. Hands always still and steady, breathing even, and heart rate almost harmonious. Finger completely wrapped around the trigger, not at all afraid of accidentally setting it off. 

He removed the weapon from were it was resting on his head and weighed it on his hands amusingly. It's crazy how such a thing had so much power, and he's the one holding it, of all people. He reached up to the top shelf of his closet where the case of the gun sits patiently for him to put it back. 

The whole situation is merely a routine to him by now. He remembers how afraid he used to be. Not of actually dying, but his family finding him all blown and torn apart in his closet, how they'd have to go on without him, how his little brother won't even remember what had happened and that he wouldn't even know who his older brother was. These were the scenarios that had always used to make Tyler sob, gun held tight in his fist, finger off the trigger.

It's almost as if he had been training himself not to hesitate it, to grow accustomed to the idea that he will, in fact, most definitely take his life at some point. Even still, Tyler had been hesitant. He'd make himself promises, "if nothing gets better by December, I'll stop trying", or when December would pass, "if nothing is better by this year, I'll stop trying". He'd find excuse after excuse, which was probably a good thing for those around (who had no idea this was even going through his mind), but to Tyler, it was frustrating, he was frustrating. How he'd do anything just to jump out of his skin, be literally anyone else, even if it was just some random stranger on the street smiling or laughing, because then maybe he'd be happy in that moment too, even if it were just for a moment. 

Tyler sat on the closet floor for what seemed to be an hour, just numbly leaning against the wall staring off into space, not really thinking of anything in particular. He had lost the will to stand up and leave, maybe do homework or laundry, anything to stop acting so weird. But he couldn't, and he wouldn't. He knew he'd end up sleeping in his closet yet another night, and wake up to a very confused/concerned mother trying to wake him up. 

'Oh, god', Tyler remembered, 'I'm eventually going to wake up again'.

At this point, Tyler actually did start crying, face still emotionless, but with tears trickling down his cheeks, right next to the corner of his mouth where he licked it, and down to his chin, where they joined and dropped to his shirt.

He closed his eyes and let the remainder of the tears that had formed fall down as well.

He no longer opened his eyes, but fell into an uncomfortable slumber.


	2. I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just finished this fic called Artificial At Best and you guy should really check it out if you want your heart and soul ripped out of you

Breakfast is usually loud and quick with Tylers family, but today was a different vibe. Everyone was quiet and slow, as if they were anticipating something. His mother and father would occasionally share glances, and not so subtly and nod their heads towards him whilst he was eating his waffles, expecting to be harassed with questions soon. He knows what this means, he is no stranger to being interrogated by his family, so he start to plan ahead, to figure out what lie to use for whatever crime they're accusing him of. He starts to think of every possible thing he could have done or be accused of doing, which is almost impossible because he has done so many unimaginable things in his short life. He narrow it down to the few actual, logical possibilities.

'Did I leave my laptop open the other day?' 'Did I forget to hide my sploof?' 'Do my parents even know what a sploof is??' 'Oh my god they totally know what a sploof is' 'What if they found my po-'

"So," his father began.

There wasn't enough time, he had to improvise.

"Tyler, are you planning on going to homecoming this Saturday?" he asks suspiciously.

He tries his hardest not to break into a relieved laughter, but he ends up smiling instead. He covers it with his sticky, syrup stained hands, hoping this action went undetected. Thankfully, there's nothing he could have done to get kicked out of the house or put in a juvenile home, so he answer confidently.

"Yea actually, I'm probably gonna go with a couple of friends"

"Which friends?" his father questions with a raise of an eyebrow, you could almost choke with the amount of dense suspicion in the air. This is when Tylers heart begins to lightly pound. Does he lie to them and tell them he's going with a bunch of hot chicks or does he tell him the truth? Will his dad find out if he lies? He decides that he doesn't have enough time to plan out whatever kind of lie he was going to come up with, so he tells him the truth.

"Uh, just Brendon and Mike. I don't know if they'll invite anyone else, or if they find any dates so.. It's kinda undecided.." he says very hesitantly, finding a way to make it sound like it's not much of a big deal if he goes with a bunch of bros. It must not have been 'no big deal' because his mother shifted around awkwardly, and his brother attempted to finish his toast quickly to escape whatever awkward situation is going on. It's as if everyone knew something he didn't, and that just made him more anxious .

"Don't you think a young man like yourself should go with a lady instead of a bunch of boys?" his father suggests.

He stays silent, unaware of how to answer or if he even should. Over the years, he has managed to be able to completely manipulate his parents with lies, and he's proud to say that he has almost perfected it. He uses body language and different tones of voice to really sell what he's trying to put in their heads, and so far, they haven't caught on.

Unfortunately though, right now he's lacking such skill. Lying about why he doesn't quite link with girls is difficult. Not because he's gay or anything, but because it's something he can't seem to explain, which would make him look gay. And he's not.

His old man let out a sigh before speaking again.

"We're just worried of what people are starting to think, you haven't had a girlfriend since the 8th grade, and the people at church are starting to spread rumors."

He continued to stay silent, he knows where he's getting at, but he gives him a confused expression nevertheless, hoping they'd just drop this conversation.

"Son, people thing you're gay" he emphasized the last word as if it were a curse.

He could have sworn his mother damn near choked on her french toast, slightly shocked at how bold his father was being.

"Well.." he willed his brain to think of a lie, anything to get him out of this mess, these accusations, these-

"I was actually planning on taking Jenna to homecoming so.."

Their faces almost immediately brighten, as if he turned on a light switch to their emotions, and his mom actually picked her head up to look at him with a smile.

"Oh I knew it! Didn't I tell you Chris? I knew they'd end up together!" his mom was practically beaming. Tylers family has wanted him and Jenna to be together since the 4th grade, and they haven't stopped asking him about her and her boyfriends ever since.

All he does is smile and nod, and resumes the consumption of his waffles.

\------------------------------------------------

It's a rainy day, and the lights in the halls are dim and gloomy. It feels weird, but calming, like when you're at your school for an event when it's dark. Tyler had a love-hate relationship with the rain. Rainy days meant cuddling up in a blanket listening to soft music with a lot of acoustic guitar, but it also meant dark skies and the nights he spent crying himself to sleep in his closet.

Tyler's last emotional breakdown was a few weeks ago... Make that a few seconds ago..

But maybe he needed this. Maybe he just needed to cry in the bathroom stall, and maybe it's okay that there isn't a reason besides the fact that the school smelled like his old house where he spent most of is life in before he moved away. Maybe it's okay to feel without a reason. But maybe he should calm himself down before his sob hiccups get any louder.

After his little sob session, he expected to feel refreshed, but instead he just felt like shit all over again.

He numbly unlocked the bathroom door and walked over to the mirror, wiping his face as he went. Not only did he feel like shit, but he looked like shit too. His dark circles were more prominent than ever, and his eyes were red and puffy. The water from the faucet was cold when he splashed it on his face, probably expecting for his disgusting features to just magically vanish.

He didn't stop picking out his flaws in the mirror.

Your nose is too big

Your head is shaped like Lord Farquad's and there's nothing you can do about it

Your ears are too big, you look like fucking Tyler the creator's and Dumbo's love child

You're so skinny-

The door opened, and Tyler really shouldn't have flinched so hard.

In came a fiery red and a skinny figure. Tyler's favorite color laid on the mystery mans hair, and he was mesmerized. Tyler stared at the man through the mirror, his back turned to his own as he used the urinal behind him, a sigh of relief escaping his lips once his fluids exited his heat seeking moisture-missile. Tyler washed his hands to buy time for when the man would turn around. And once he did, Tyler damn near choked. He recognized him from around the halls, Josh Dog? No, what? Josh..Dung? Whatever, he was close. Tyler didn't realize he was staring until Josh locked eyes with him, and he swung his head so far he's surprised he didn't end up with a fatal neck injury.

"Cool hair", he said softly, testing the waters just in case he got spit on or called a weirdo.

Wasn't he a weirdo though?

"Thanks!", he smiled as he dispensed the soap in his hand, "got it done yesterday"

And that's when it hit Tyler.

"Dun!"

"......"

"...Sorry what?" He asked.

"Your last name, I knew it was in the back of my mind somewhere- I guess- I don't know- sorry."

He was literally going to hang himself right there in that very bathroom. If not hang himself then maybe crush his skull with the toilet seat. If he didn't sound like a complete loser before, he totally just blew that streak.

"Right" he chuckled, smile practically blinding Tyler.

"I'll see you around, Joseph", he finished drying off his hands with the cardboard-like paper towels and began heading out the doors.

"Yeah, you too!" Tyler called from out of the bathroom, ears still burning from the slight embarrassment .

"You're an actual dingus." he mumbled to himself as he walked out of the bathroom and into the gloomy halls, now making his way to Chemistry class.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Josh's coolness has taken a toll on Tyler. All he could think about in his class was being his friend, and how cool it would be to be friends with the only kid in the school who has his hair dyed, AND his favorite color too. Double wammy.

As the teacher went on about Orbital Notations, Tyler's mind drifted back to the all-too familiar smell of his old house, and then the memories inside the old house. He thinks back to the day his mom bought him a water color set and an actual canvas to paint on, and how cool little Tyler thought that was. Even thought the canvas couldn't really hold the water color well, he still made something with it, and to be honest, it was pretty fucking cool. It was of his treehouse in the forest by his house with all the trees surrounding it. When he finished it, his mom was incredibly proud of him, and took it to her workplace next day, and told everyone that her 5 year old son painted it. Too bad Tyler can't find the painting anymore, his mom had probably trashed it.

He remembers how cozy his room was, and thinks about how his new room will never be the same, mainly because he threw all his old toys away that would have still counted as decoration, but his parents insisted it was time to be a bit more mature. Maybe he's too sentimental and emotional, but Tyler wishes so badly that he could have stayed 5 forever. For things to go by slower. Maybe to live in some sort of parallel universe where you age backwards. 

A slowtown perhaps. Start off at the age you were supposed to die at in the other universe, and just go down from there. 88,87,86,85,84... Maybe then he'd have something to live for, something to look forward too. But he's done being 5 years old, and now all he can wait for is when he eventually dies or something better.

It sounds awful, but he's been hoping that something terrible could happen to him so that he could kill himself for a better reason other than just being sad all the time. Sometimes he even wishes that he'll die from a car accident, or be murdered, anything. It doesn't even have to be painless, it just has to happen.

It just has to happen sometime soon.

But for now all he can do is hope for a better tomorrow, which honestly sounds like a load of bullshit, but it's something.

Something to hold on to, at least for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ngl i got really lazy with this chapter i’m sorry


	3. II

2 am snack stops were Tyler's most recent guilty pleasure. When he wouldn't allow himself to sleep, he'd get incredibly bored. This brings us to the nearest 7/11 in the snack aisle, on the search for spicy Doritos and cheese dip. He skimmed through the shelves until his glance fell upon the desired snack. Now for the cheese dip, and maybe if he's feeling a little extra numb he can get himself an Arizona for a dollar.

He continues about the small store until he's collected all of his items, and made his way to the counter to check out his food. However, on the way there he saw a familiar figure with a strike of red. How convenient.

"Tyler?"

Tyler holds his breath and cringes, he really didn't want Josh to see him in his snoopy pajama bottoms and his navy blue sweater but here we are.

"Oh, hey Josh" He says, forcing a smile.

"What's up man! What brings you here?" Josh beamed, noticing him near the fridges.

"I dunno, just hungry I guess.." he chuckled nervously whilst holding up his goodies. This feeling of nervousness wasn't entirely new to him at all. He had always been incredibly shy around other people, in fact, he doesn't know one person he's actually comfortable enough to laugh with except Brendon.

"What about yourself?" he asked, giving himself mental high-five for the structure of the sentence, bonus points were added to his mental scoresheet for sounding cool and lack of stuttering.

Josh guiltily held up a bag of Mini Oreos and a RedBull. "Same here," he smiled, and Tyler wondered how often someone could smile like that. Maybe he could try too. He could stretch his cheek muscles so far and maybe gain some premature wrinkles. It could really set the image that he was a happy guy, or extremely insane. Aren't happy people insane though? How is it possible that someone could have so much joy?

Drugs probably. Speaking of, Tyler has his fair share of recreational drugs he has to go home to currently.

"Nice" he responded with a light chuckle as he tried to inch past him, signalling that it was time for him to go.

"Anyways, it was cool seeing you, but I gotta head back to my place"

"Alright man, I'll see you at school then?"

"For sure" he smiled back with tight lips. He formed a habit of never showing his teeth, his hand immediately shoots up to his mouth if he ever smiles or laughs, as if by reflex.

He pays for his groceries, and heads out, but not before quickly glancing over where the redhead was last standing.

Their eyes met for what felt like 30 seconds until Tyler finally pushed open the door, the ring cutting off their gaze.

\--------------------------------------------------------

Warmth coated Tyler's cold, winter stained lungs, as he took a long rip from his bong. This is the only breathing he couldn't screw up, the kind of breathing that made him feel whole. As he brought his head back up away from the bong, he lifted the bowl to conserve another future hit. He held the smoke in his lungs for a few seconds before letting his mouth hang open and slowly breathing out the smoke, allowing it to rise up to his eyes even though it stung. He blew out the rest into his sploof for extra measure, even though he was outside, and wiped his eyes with the sleeves of his sweater.

A thought came to his mind from earlier.

Homecoming was this Friday.

He placed his bong and snacks on the ground and searched for his phone - he was always losing it somewhere, he even left it in his freezer once instead of putting his mint chocolate chip ice cream in.

As soon as he found his device under the patio chair, he called Jenna, hoping it wasn't too late- or early, who knows how to distinguish the times between 12 am to 5 am.

Luckily for Tyler, the phone only rang twice before she picked up.

"Tyler?? What's up, why are you calling so late?" She asked concerned, voice soft and slightly scratchy.

"Did I wake you?" he asked, chewing on the skin around his nails, forming fleshy bits on his clubbed thumb. A nervous habit he had picked up ever since he was 9. His mother would always threaten to put pepper on his fingers or duck tape mittens on his hands. Eventually she gave up on his nervous habit, along with the rest of him.

"Yea kinda, it's okay though, what's going on-"

"Do you think I could come over?" he questions, almost thankful for his intake of marijuana before calling, he'd never have this much confidence without the help of drugs. In fact, he'd probably never be able to do anything without drugs or alcohol. He realised he had a problem a while ago when the thought of not having a bottle of wine next to his bed made him anxious. At least he completed one of twelve steps to beating an addiction; admitting you have a problem.

"I mean.." she hesitated, "I guess. You have to sneak through my window though, obviously." she sighed, frustrated that Tyler wasn't providing her with any information as to why he's making plans to visit her at 3 am in the morning.

"Alright, I'll see you in 30 minutes"

"Are you going to tell me what this is abou-" Tyler hung up, and pushed himself off the patio chair as he began to clean up behind him and stash his tools for later use.

Once he finished, he grabbed his bike and drove out of his neighbourhood. The same neighborhood he spent his whole life in.

As cold as it was outside, Tyler still felt warm. He could never get enough of the feeling of being high, everything was slower, time went by slower. He didn't have to worry about growing up, his high was his slowtown. He never wanted to be sober, and he knew it was a problem, it's just that he didn't care. He didn't care what would happen to him, he only hoped it would happen.

He cut through a shortcut he would always take when he was a lot younger, the scent of the pine and moist dirt taking him back to his childhood. If only he could make a candle out if this smell, just for himself. As far as he knew, he was the only one who knew about this shortcut through the woods. When he stopped coming regularly like he used to, the dirt path lacked the mowing of his bike and became crowded with weeds and plants. The lake stayed the same however. The tides were low tonight, revealing the little pathway he'd take onto the other side of the forest. He remembered measuring the time of day where there'd be high and low tides in attempt to cross the path and explore the other side. One day, he miscalculated, and was stuck on the other side of the forest for the whole night until sunrise. His parents were worried to death. Wanting to keep the discovered land a secret, he told them that he had spent the night at Mark's house and forgot to call them through their house phone. Mark covered for him.

\----

Jenna's house was smaller than he remembered, but still pretty big compared to his one story house with 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and 6 people.

She had a two story house (with a basement as well) 4 bedrooms for each family member except her parents, and 3 bathrooms. The outside of her house was decorated with mass amounts of christmas lights and little ornaments hung from the trees in their front yard. Her house was slightly Victorian styled, with a light shade of pale blue on the outside walls and a blueish grey for the roof. The stairway to their patio was a shade of a light royal blue, and the wood floor was walnut colored.

As Tyler went around back, he saw their old cat, Penelope, who he thought would have died ages ago. Unfortunately not. The damn cat hated him ever since he was little, but he still greeted her with a passive tone of voice. He could practically feel the pettiness emitting from the cat, or maybe he was just stoned.

He bent down and took a fistful of tiny pebbles and aimed them at Jenna's window to signal that he had arrived. Soon after, she opened the window and instructed him on how to climb up to her window.

"Okay you see that pipe right there? Put your foot on it and hoist yourself up to the window"

"Jenna this isn't going to work, I'll fall to my death" He retorted. He was way too high for this, he couldn't even tell the difference from left to right.

"What the fuck else do you want me to do? Get you a grappling hook? C'mon don't be a pussy even I've done this before"

"You're a cheerleader! You're used to doing shit like this, I can barely even walk next to someone without losing my balance"

"Tyler I swear to Christ just put your foot there and I'll bring you up."

Defeated, Tyler decided that the worst that could happen was that he fell down and get the wind knocked out of him, maybe even break a few bones.

'Too bad it's not high enough to kill me' He thought.

He used to be really good at climbing back when he was a kid. He'd climb just about anything he'd see no matter how high. The height never scared him, nothing really did. He nearly gave his poor mom a heart attack and a half when she found him on top of a structure that holds the lights for shows. That was the last time they went to an outdoor circus.

Now that he's old and less agile he pretty much sucks at climbing, not that he's really been given the opportunity to climb anything since he never leaves his house nowadays.

Sometimes he thinks leaving the house will make him a little less depressed on certain days, but it only gives him a lot more time to think. Most of the time he just thinks he probably should have just stayed inside the house.

Tyler brings his foot to the pipe and continues to lift himself off from it while Jenna pulls his arm and helps him in through the window. The mission was a success.

"Wow, you have a lot of upper body strength for a girl" He says in awe.

Jenna just smiles with her picture perfect smile, and Tyler begins to think that there's no possible way she's going to go to the dance with him. She's too out of his league.

"You stink like weed" She says, wafting the air.

"Yea someone blew smoke right into me as I was riding here"

An awkward silence filled the air, and Tyler nervously scratched the back of his neck. Jenna's room was dim, only a few of her white fairy lights providing light, and streetlights from outside spilling into her room as well.

"So are you going to tell me what this is about or are you gonna keep standing there?" She questioned.

Tyler looked at her, about to give her an answer, and only then realized how pretty she really is. Well, he's always known, but this time it really hit him. Maybe it was the weed or maybe it was sleep deprivation but he saw something in her. The way the light bounced off of her icy blue eyes and her white teeth, the way her hair framed her face beautifully and how her button nose was red and runny from the cold weather. Everything about her was perfect. He noticed the way she was looking at him too, the way she was longing.

All he could think right now was, "Thank god for this fucking weed because I would have never been able to do what I'm about to do right now"

He took the risk.

The riskiest risk he has ever taken.

He kissed her.

And she kissed back.

And then they both kissed each other.

Then it became more aggressive.

And then a little more hungry.

And then the next thing you know they're both making out on her comfy memory foam mattress.

One thing leads to another, and the night lasts a little longer.

\--------------------------------------------------

It's quiet now, and Tyler doesn't really know what to say. His high wore off half an hour ago, and the courage he was desperately seeking would not surface now.

There was absolutely no reason to be nervous, he just had sex with her, clearly she's into him.

There's no reason she'd say no.

"You know you can't spend the night, right?" She says.

"Yea, I know."

More awkward silence.

"So.. you should leave.. Like now." She says, sounding a little hurt this time.

Tyler couldn't make out what was wrong, and he desperately hoped there was nothing wrong and that it was all in his head. He really didn't want to have ruined this. Not now.

"Is.. Is everything okay?" He asks hesitantly, not really knowing how to approach a clearly upset girl.

"Get the fuck out of my house Tyler!" She sits up, covering herself with her blanket, even covering her shoulders.

Tyler sits there for a split second, a little bewildered but still not surprised at the fact that he managed to fuck up his friendship with Jenna. He's a fuck up, fucking up in life is inevitable for him. He slides the blanket off of him and gets dressed. Before he steps out the window he passes one last look to Jenna, but her bare back is facing towards him, not even daring to say a word.

He hops out the window and heads back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long

**Author's Note:**

> Okay first up I'm not trying to romanticize suicide or depression in this fic at all and if that is the impression you're getting I'm so sorry because that is not my intention at all. Second, I'm sorry for all the emo shit I need an outlet lmao. Lastly, criticism is highly encouraged because I want to improve my writing, don't worry, it won't hurt my feelings, and if you spot a spelling/grammar error don't be afraid to mention it in the comment, I promise you won't be 'that' person.


End file.
